constellations #8: running up that hill
just to be clear, I don't want you to feel fooled, this isn't actually about Kate Bush
Hi again.
This weekend I ran a (virtual) race with my sister. I’ve never been a particularly good runner, but I love this race, which, during non-pandemic times, usually happens on the third Sunday in August on Cape Cod, and for my family holds a certain special place of tradition. My dad started running it every year about 25 years ago; at first, on the suggestion of a friend, and then on his own, and then once the kids got old enough we started doing it too, so every year for the past fifteen or so years there’s been some combination of us at the start line.
I have always thought the thing I liked about running is solitude, and it’s partially true; it always promises to be deeply head-clearing, an antidote to restlessness, an introvert’s recharge. But lately I’ve been grateful, too, for the way it brings me into the orbit of other people. This is true of my family, of course – this yearly race managing, somehow, miraculously, to function as a reprieve from our tinderbox of hot tempers and big personalities. Now that the days are slowly getting shorter, I keep thinking about last winter, before the pandemic hit, where for a few weeks I’d meet up with some friends early in the morning to run before the sun came up, and how nice it was to have a conversation to distract from the feeling of cold air in my lungs, and how nice it was to not be alone in the dark.
This year, the race was a little different, of course; no cheering onlookers, no crowded streets, etc. In the spring, the organizers announced a virtual version, where registrants would get numbers and race swag (namely a giant mug; they give them out every year, and my parents’ kitchen cabinets are swimming in them) in the mail and you could run the race, wherever in the world you were, during a designated 2-week span. Honor system; no official winners. I’ve had a couple injuries in the last six months, so I figured even the virtual race wouldn’t be possible for me this year. But the more I talked about it with my older sister, who also hadn’t trained but was interested, the more possible it seemed, so we figured we’d give it our best shot.
On the day we chose, the weather was good, and it was a weekday, so there were fewer people on the road, and we got out early, so we could get back before the sun really came up and also before we had to go to work. Mostly, we both agreed, it felt hard. But in the last mile or so I felt, for just a second, astounding, like my brain was no longer caught in my tired body, like I could do anything I wanted, like I could keep going forever, like real possibility was crawling out from the corners of my mind, and even when my brain snapped right back into my tired body I held onto a piece of it — a feeling I wasn’t sure I’d ever had before. We ran really hard towards the end and when it was over I felt so overcome with gratefulness for my sister and for this August tradition and for the breeze on my face and for my functioning limbs. Our cheerleaders (Matt and my mom) met us at our made-up finish line with iced coffee and snacks, and I asked Matt to please ceremoniously place our commemorative “road race at-home edition” medals around our necks, which he did, and it reminded me that even in a blisteringly hard time, some traditions are willing to adapt.
I am not here to proselytize for running, necessarily — but here’s to surprising yourself, and to not having to be alone in the dark.
Some links:
On runners seeking "the opportunity to do something unusual”
A few songs that friends have recommended for my running playlist that were remarkably on-brand for them, and also good additions: one; two; three; four
What I listened to on my run this morning
On what it really means to run safely
If you are a runner and also a creative person, keep your eye on this fellowship program
And you know what, ok, we’re just going to add “Running Up That Hill” here, too but it’s this really great performance with David Gilmour from 1987 and for good measure it’s Big Boi talking about his love of the song, too
xo,
M