constellations #32: dreams
Hi again.
At the beginning of the pandemic I had bizarre nightmares. After a while they faded and I once again would wake up in the morning remembering a blissful nothing, but in the past couple weeks the nightmares have come back. I’ve only had one or two that left me shaken and freaked out and thus ruined my day; most of them are strange but innocuous, a normal dream tinged with weird horror or sadness.
In college I used to say that hearing about other people’s dreams was the most boring thing in the world and now I hardly recognize the version of myself who’d believe that. (Apologies to my freshman roommate, who always wanted to tell me about her dreams.) I don’t know anything about the interpretation of dreams but in the absence of any knowledge it feels, to me, like a useful place to leave questions for other people to answer, not so much a means of seeing The Truth about someone as a means of seeing how they see themselves.
This week I thought I might write my newsletter about dreams so I started trying to keep track of mine. I kept trying to will myself to pick up a pen and take notes when I first opened my eyes every morning, which became increasingly difficult and left me with some inscrutable artifacts (an iPhone note that just says Library in huge letters; a notepad I got free with purchase of a candle that now contains pages and pages of illegible, scribbled notes about a shape-shifting version of my sweet older sister yelling at me). I didn’t really want to capture details, just themes: interpretable symbols that I could proffer to the internet to piece out strange and conflicting analyses. I’ve gathered them here. Maybe you’ll see just enough of yourself (and not too much of me) in them.
Being in your childhood home: it’s time to take steps towards your goals, not merely think of them and/or you need people in your everyday surroundings
Eating dinner: you’re looking for something good in life and/or people around you want to be your friend
Doing laundry: you feel like others are judging you and/or you desire to change your beliefs and thought patterns
Breaking/dropping a trophy: you’re going to drop the ball when it really matters and/or you have an inner sense of isolation
Visiting a library: things are not as they appear and/or something is surfacing from a past life
Eating ice cream: everything in life is impermanent and/or watch your temper
Running a race: questions of capability and worthiness
Getting on a plane: you should not be concerned about how other people see you and/or you have many friends who can help you
Snow: feelings crystalizing into action and/or a problem that you can’t quite see
Chihuahuas*: someone close to you wants your attention and has been trying to get it via elaborate hints
A couple years ago, my friends and I covered “Dreams” by The Cranberries for a friends-only open mic. I don’t want to brag but I think we nailed it. The song is in constant rotation at the new Wh*le Fo*ds in my neighborhood, and so every time we’re there I turn to Matt and say, “Remember when we covered this song at the open mic and we did such a good job?” and he says, “Yeah, you were great” and not, “Yeah, you were great, but you don’t need to bring it up every time we’re getting groceries” and folks, that’s love. In preparing for that cover I was very inspired by Japanese Breakfast’s version from Pitchfork in 2018:
Thanks for reading. (And thanks to my friend Elle who told me about a dream she had, which I snuck into the above list.) Sweet dreams this week.
xo,
M
*Credit where credit is due: This one was actually posted on Perfume Genius’ Instagram story over the weekend.